THE LAW OF PROXIMITY

 On Solitude and the Company of Others

"Associate with the noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty.  But learn to be happy alone." ~William James

Napoleon Hill, the early 20th century motivational speaker and writer who inspired the title of this post.

The other day, while having a conversation with my oldest son on the importance of having a good workout partner (or not), I started to think about the importance of who—and even what—we surround ourselves with.  Not counting just life in general, this may be more important than you realize when it comes to building muscle and strength.

The title of this essay comes from the early motivational speaker and writer Napoleon Hill.  In one of Hill's lectures, he said this, "The very moment I come into contact with any person who has a bad influence on me, I immediately disassociate myself from that person.  I don't care who it is.  It might even be my mother-in-law or a close relative.  And oftentimes, believe you me, I have had to disassociate myself from close relatives."  Leaving aside the fact that many a husband are probably jealous because they sure-as-hell would love to disassociate themselves from their mother-in-law, I think that Hill is simply telling a blunt truth.  We often are the people we surround ourselves with.  Maybe you don't believe me on this—or perhaps it's simply a truth that you don't want to believe—but if you aren't right now the same as those who you are in closest contact with, then you will become them if you stay in close contact long enough.

This can either be a strength or a weakness.  This can either be for good or ill.

If you don't want to believe this, or balked at what is written in the first paragraph, then the chances are that you are surrounding yourselves with others that are negative, and will, ultimately at least, drag you down with them.  That's just the nature of being around negative people.  Trust me.  I have had good friends, and even intimate relationships, where I knew the person was negative, but I thought that, by being positive, I could bring the other person up.  It rarely works this way, and it certainly didn't for me.  Negative people simply suck all the "good energy" out of you, and, eventually, if you don't leave the relationship, you'll become a lot like them.

If you read the first paragraph, and said to yourself, "I know that's true," then the chances are that you already know the benefits of surrounding yourselves with others who are uplifting and positive.  You know that doing this has helped you immensely, and so you have already decided to cast off the shackles of those negative oppressors.

But what about for those reasons that you probably come here to read this blog?  What about when it comes to building muscle, strength, being a great athlete, or just looking good naked?  Well, my friend, it's just as important in these realms than anywhere else.  In fact, it can be even more important here because you might not realize that the people you have surrounded yourself with—workout partners, coaches, personal trainers, teachers, social media influencers, or whatnot—are feeding you bad, mis-informed, or even deleterious information that is totally keeping you from reaching your goals.  Ignorance may be bliss, but in this case it's just keeping your scrawny or fat.

Let's start with workout partners.  Like any other relationship, there are awesome workout partners, and workout partners that you need to rid yourself of immediately.  First, and this isn't set in stone but I think that it's mostly true, find a workout partner of your same gender (the one you were born with, not what you associate yourself with) who has the same exact goals that you have and is roughly your same age.  Gender is important, because, for the most part, you will be training the same—or at least using the same "program," otherwise you wouldn't be true workout partners—and different genders will get results from different "styles" of programs.  Also, there will often be a serious strength gap between genders, which means that you will be changing plates and weights around too much, which is something you want to avoid as much as possible.  (There are exceptions to this rule, I understand that, but if you do train with the opposite gender, make sure that it is a genuine exception!) This is also the reason that I favor training with someone who is roughly your same age.  For instance, if I had a time machine (preferably the one made by Doc Brown and not H.G. Wells), my 50-year-old self would have no business going back in time and training with my 22-year-old self.  There is simply too much of a difference in strength levels, natural hormone levels, and goals to allow "old me" and "young me" to be training partners.  And that last one—goals—is probably the most important factor when choosing a training partner.  For the most part—and, once again, I understand that there are occasionally exceptions—powerlifters should train with powerlifters, bodybuilders should train with bodybuilders, fighters should train with fighters, and so on and so forth.  Even when you are training with someone in your same "sport," ensure that he/she is at least close to your same level.  If you're a powerlifter training for a world meet or a national championship, you need a powerlifter who has a very similar goal.  Conversely, if you're training for a local meet, and it's your first time competing, train with someone who is doing the same.  Training with a partner that is "too high" above you or "too low" for your strength level will affect your motivation for both your upcoming competition and your day-to-day training.  The exception to this rule would be if you train with a group of guys or gals that are all competitive powerlifters or bodybuilders.  In this case, it's not bad to have lifters of different levels.  The energy of training with multiple partners—four or five other guys—at the same time can be infectious.  The more experienced, and stronger, lifters inspire the less experienced ones, and the newer lifters give the older ones good reasons to keep getting stronger and more "jacked" because the experienced lifter wants to inspire his younger counterparts, and he can only do this by continuing to be Mack-truck strong.

Now, even if you have a training partner that meets all of the "criteria" above, that still doesn't mean that it's a good fit.  You need a training partner that is supportive—never misses a workout, doesn't talk incessantly about things other than your training session, and is a good "spotter" and motivator during training.  If your workout partner doesn't meet that criteria, you would be better off training alone.  In fact, there are benefits to both training with a partner and training alone.  But if you do choose to train alone, make sure that you are consistent and do not slack off during your training.  One of the best things about a training partner is that she can also act as an "accountability partner"—so if you're lazy, yeah, a training partner is probably best.  Conversely, if you love training—if you can't stand the thought of missing a long, grueling, gut-busting session—then you are probably better off just going solo.

Coaches and personal trainers are an area which, sad to say, you would probably be better off without one.  One of the worst things you can do is go to a large, commercial gym and get a personal trainer.  Even if that person "looks good" it's not any indication that he will be capable of training other people.  Also a good trainer or coach comes with years, nay decades, of experience under his belt in order to understand what truly works for different populations of training—and what doesn't.  You can't understand that through taking a personal training "course" or even through a few years of training experience.

When it comes to other fields, people seem to understand this.  For instance, if you want to get good at martial arts, you don't go and find a teacher that has taken a course and is now "certified" to teach.  Or a young kid that only has a few years of training under her belt.  No.  Of course not.  You find a teacher that has been practicing and teaching for decades.  I have trained in martial arts for 40 years.  Yet I still have a master who I listen to completely and totally—a man that I can trust because he has been there and done that (so to speak).  I train under a man who has been practicing since before I was born.  In addition to understanding the "science" of training, he was the 1980 National Karate Champion in the bantamweight division.  (If you know anything about karate, think old-school "JKA-style" point fighting that was full-contact with NO pads.)  And, although you may not be able to find a personal trainer or coach with that much experience, the lesson still applies.  Find a coach, a personal trainer, or a mentor who can walk the walk and talk the talk, so to speak.  A trainer who has experience and plenty of muscle size and strength to back up what he tells you.

All of this also applies to people and things that you surround yourself with even if it's not of a "personal," one-on-one relationship.  For instance, if you get your information from "social media influencers," then the same tenets above for coaches and trainers applies there, as well.  Which means, sorry to say, if you're listening to a 25 to 30-year old YouTube personality dispensing out training advice, it doesn't mean that what she has to say is any good even if she is in phenomenal shape.

Lastly—to bring this back around to that opening quote from the philosopher and researcher William James—surround yourself with books and ideas of the noblest values.  Surround yourself, as he said, with the mighty.  The mightiest values, the highest ideas, thoughts and ways of thinking that have always been considered the noblest since ancient times.  And, in the end, if this means you must be alone because the people that you had surrounded yourself—or still surround yourself with—do not represent these noblest of virtues, then so be it!  Be happy alone.